The Mental Load: The Weight We Carry
There’s a moment that happens in many households, a moment so small it might go unnoticed by those who don’t carry it. A mother walks past a sink of dishes and, without thinking, makes a mental note to load the dishwasher before bed. She remembers the permission slip due on Friday, the birthday party gift that needs to be bought, and the pediatrician appointment that hasn’t been scheduled yet. She notices the bathroom is out of toilet paper and knows she’s the only one who will think to add it to the grocery list.
This is the mental load.
What Is the Mental Load?
Mental load is the invisible, relentless work of managing a household, a family, a life. It’s the responsibility of being the one who remembers—the keeper of schedules, the planner of meals, the tracker of emotional well-being, and the manager of all the moving parts that make up a home. Often, this burden falls disproportionately on women, especially mothers.
How to Recognize the Mental Load
Naming something that has always been there can be difficult, especially when society has framed it as simply part of being a mother, a wife, or a partner. Recognizing the mental load is the first step to understanding why it is so exhausting. It means never truly clocking out, even when the workday ends. It means waking up at 3 a.m. to mentally run through tomorrow’s to-do list.
In How to Keep House While Drowning, KC Davis writes about the power of reframing how we see household responsibilities. She states, “You do not have to earn the right to rest, connect, or recreate. Unlearn the idea that care tasks must be totally complete before you can sit down. If you wait until everything is done to rest, you will never rest.” Cassie Bishop, LPC, one of our therapists at Insight, reflects on this when working with clients. She shares, “This is one of my favorite quotes from the book. We don’t need to earn anything to be worthy, and sometimes we need that reminder throughout motherhood. We are capable, worthy, and allowed to rest.”
When the mental load is unbalanced, the issue extends beyond chores left undone. It becomes an emotional weight that erodes a person’s sense of self.
Why It Matters
The weight of the mental load isn’t just exhausting; it’s consuming. It leaves little room for rest, spontaneity, or joy. Many mothers feel like they are running on fumes even when they appear to be “doing it all.” Singer Chappell Roan recently made waves when she commented that none of her mom friends seem happy. While this sparked conversation and controversy, it also highlights an uncomfortable truth: motherhood can be both beautiful and exhausting at the same time. Two things can be true—mothers can love their children while also feeling the weight of mental load. They can be grateful for their families while also mourning the parts of themselves that get buried under the endless to-do lists.
Let’s talk about it. Let’s acknowledge that it exists, that it’s heavy, that it’s real.
